Malgorzata

The table of contents of Miss Malgorzata Maudeline de Monstreil Requests Your Presence

Originally published as a serial in The Sketch 1910-1912.

1. In Which Malgorzata Declines the Biscuits, on Principle
   And makes a private note regarding Genia, the kitchen maid
2. In Which Malgorzata Enlists the Confidence of Murgatroyd
   Principally for his expertise with the dumbwaiter
3. In Which Malgorzata Reproduces Dr. Michelson’s Experiment
   And discovers a curious flaw
4. In Which the Conservatory Proves Unsuitable for Reflection
   Owing to certain botanical exaggerations
5. In Which Malgorzata Devises a Way to Measure the Height of the Topiaries Using a Celesta
   Much to Mrs. Beckley’s consternation
6. In Which the Omnibus Brings an Unfamiliar Guest
   But the monogram on his valise calls an unpleasant incident to mind
7. In Which Malgorzata Invites Miss Berenice Brisemont to Tea
   And several bottles of india ink go missing from the Lord de Monstreil's desk
8. In Which Malgorzata Decrypts the Engraving Inside the Ancestral Tomb
   With disturbing implications for the family tree
9. In Which Malgorzata Helps Henry With the Sheep Milking
   And attempts to make yoghurt, with ambivalent results 
10. In Which Malgorzata Arranges the Library According to a Novel System
    And discovers several books intentionally misfiled 
11. In Which Sir Hubert Returns from Overseas Unexpectedly
    And the girls set an ambush in the butler's pantry
12. In Which Sir Alaric’s Favorite Fowlingpiece Goes Missing
    And Henry’s ingenuity is thereby challenged
13. In Which Old Dog Trey Investigates a New Scent Near the Kitchen Hearth
    And discovers something the importance of which will become apparent later
14. In Which Malgorzata Uses the Dumbwaiter to Discover Yet Another Sub-basement
    And Murgatroyd is almost moved to protest
15. In Which Mrs. Beckley Discovers the Ink-Stained Linens
    And Malgorzata explicates the utility of onion juice
16. In Which the Ferrer-Dumonts Come for Sunday Tea
    And Malgorzata trades places with Trey until pudding
17. In Which a Parcel Arrives from London Containing a Book by Cousin Yorick
    And Malgorzata refuses to read it because of the font
18. In Which Malgorzata is confined with the Grippe
    And Dr. Bonifacio reassures her that it is not the plague   
19. In Which Malgorzata Decides That Miss Shahrazad Has Outgrown Her Wardrobe
    And takes measurements for a new outfit
    
    (Illustration: Malgorzata holding a doll arrayed as a Persian princess. In her other hand is a carpenter's square.)
20. In Which Malgorzata, Using the Brandy Test, Proves That Mother’s Paste Is Really Diamond
    And Mrs. Beckley remains mum
    
    (Illustration: Malgorzata holding an enormous, elaborate piece of jewelry over a chemist's alcohol burner)
21. In Which Malgorzata Investigates Unusual Creakings from the North Attic
    And Sir Alaric’s fowlingpiece is found, still smoking
22. In Which Malgorzata Measures the Echo of the Grand Stairwell
    And discovers several unexpected intervals 
23. In Which Sir Hubert Shows Malgorzata His Webley-Vickers
    And she expounds upon its inferiority to the Colt design
24. In Which Sister Chastaine Pays a Visit
    And Malgorzata practices her Marcus Aurelius
25. In Which Malgorzata Discovers a Lodestone in the Lower Garden
    And immediately uses it to correct the armillary sphere
26. In Which Malgorzata Carries the Weather Glass Throughout the House
    And detects a discrepancy in the library
27. In which Shahrazad goes missing from her locked chest
    And Trey shows up wearing a strange collar
28. In which a blackbird makes entrance at the clerestory
    despite the entreaties of the domestic staff
29. In which the Deacon from Saint Gilles drops in for an audience
    and Malgorzata makes good use of a transom
30. In which the Lady de Monstreil requires Malgorzata’s presence in the foyer
    Necessitating a stealthy retreat to the columbarium
31. In which Malgorzata shows up at the kitchen door with an apron full of quinces
    and confesses to having poached them from the Brisemonts
32. In which Malgorzata persuades Annabeth to make a strawberry-rose aspic
    using arguments against which Annabeth has not prepared a defense
33. In which Henry discovers the ladder below the clerestory window
    And Murgatroyd asks Malgorzata some uncomfortable questions
34. In which Malgorzata solves the laundry mystery once and for all
    To no one’s satisfaction—including her own
35. In which Mother takes the girls into town for tea
    And lessons are learned about the frailties of machinery
36. In which James earns his keep
    And Malgorzata attempts to send Miss Berenice a message by semaphore
37. In which Malgorzata collects samples from the kitchen flue
    And the séance does not go according to plan
38. In which Malgorzata officiates at the wedding of Shahrazad and a dove borrowed from the columbarium 
    And the honeymoon transgresses several rules of decorum
39. In which Malgorzata follows a red string to a locked door in the study
    Meanwhile, Murgatroyd requires forceps to remove a length of string from Trey’s gullet
40. In which Malgorzata borrows Sir Hubert's transit
    But her project of surveying the entire attic encounters some obstacles
41. In which a packet of violet pastilles goes missing
    And Trey is summoned to testify
42. In which Genia finds herself short one tub in the scullery
    And Malgorzata makes progress charting the coastlines of the stream nearby
    
    (Illustration: Malgorzata floating on a stream in a large tub, notebook in one hand, sextant in the other)
43. In which Malgorzata repurposes a span of Mother’s old taffeta for a hot air balloon
    And commissions a mouse - Leftenant Charles Limburger - for a reconnaissance mission over the Brisemonts'
44. In which Malgorzata takes a glass to Father’s large atlas of the South Pacific
    And notes one island misspelled
45. In which Malgorzata attempts to persuade James to create for her a font
    And subsequently amends her plan for sending a letter to the Royal Geographic Society
    
    (Illustration: James in the doorway of the garage, arms crossed, frowning down at Malgorzata)
46. In which Malgorzata makes unauthorized improvements to the sewing machine
    And Murgatroyd questions James regarding his involvement
47. In which Malgorzata goes out on the roof to befriend a stork
    And it consents to carry her secret message to Cousin Yorick
48. In which Malgorzata comes into possession of a tuning fork
    And sets about probing the resonance of every desk, secretary, cupboard, and wardrobe in the house
49. In which an emissary of the BWTA is left waiting in the foyer for four hours
    And several petitfours go unaccounted for
50. In which Malgorzata befriends the postman
    And finds that a tray of petitfours is sufficient to procure his confederacy
51. In which Mother tries yet another governess
    With predictable results
52. In which the Brisemonts stay for whist
    and the girls take Asbaran out for an unsanctioned gallop
53. In which Malgorzata argues with a samovar over an esoteric point of Zoroastrian philosophy
    and Shahrazad declares a stalemate
54. In which Malgorzata teaches Miss Jasmina to dance on two legs
    and a tin of kippers goes missing from the larder
    
    (Illustration: Malgorzata in the parlor dangling a herring over a persian cat)
55. in which Malgorzata finishes Hermes Trismegistus 
    and checks several notions against photos of Teotihuacan in the latest National Geographic
56. in which Malgorzata borrows Henry's bicycle
    and the Brisemonts receive an alarming unpostmarked letter
57. in which Mother announces that the ladies shall be visiting for a talk on Spiritual Science
    and Malgorzata begins enlisting troops from the lily pond 
58. in which Lt. Charles Limburger falls into enemy hands
    and Jasmina faces a tribunal
59. in which Malgorzata is told for the last time to stay out of the kitchen
    and the Lord de Monstreil is informed that tea may be slightly delayed
60. in which Malgorzata asks Murgatroyd to remove the newel finial
    just for a second, for no particular reason
61. in which Malgorzata begs James to instruct her on the use of the lathe 
    with extreme urgency, for no particular reason
62. In Which Malgorzata Reproduces Mr. Edison’s Dangerous Contraption
    And reaches a contrarian conclusion
    
    (Illustration: Malgorzata poring over a heap of mechanical bits spread out on the parlor carpet, Old Dog Trey curled up in front of the fire behind her)
63. in which Malgorzata listens to cylinders of Rossini and Dvořák sent by cousin Yorick
    and commits Henry on a quest to collect magpie feathers
64. in which Malgorzata interrogates the telephone installer regarding his extended competencies
    And Murgatroyd is obliged to intervene
65. in which the Lady de Monstreil announces that the household shall be taking a holiday at Brighton
    and Malgorzata begins brushing up on her lateen patterns
66. in which Malgorzata transposes "Für Elise" to the cymbelline
    Murgatroyd demands the return of his cylinders
67. in which Malgorzata plays a cymbelline sonata for the orchids in the conservatory
    and finds that they do not all respond equally
68. in which Malgorzata gives a blast on the horn
    and Sir Alaric requires several minutes to restore order amongst the hounds 
69. in which a meteorite destroys a chimney in the north wing
    and the Lord de Monstreil questions Malgorzata regarding her involvement 

 

 

 

 

Hark!

 

Your sacred symmetry

I've seen the sacred symmetry in your anxious arrivals and depressed departures
And in their scintillas liminal, lifetimes of grim tribulation and true jubilation.

I dare to dream one dream: to remove you from the balance, and take you by the hand
and water your sacred leas from the wellspring of my love.

When you rain

When you rain, do you rain on fields and forests, giving sustenance to all manner of living, growing things?
Or do you rain on city streets, washing away the daily dust and grime?
Or do you, like me, fall on the ocean?

not tomorrow came

not tomorrow came
that his eye seize all
that his iron freeze our soul
that his sashes cling our waste
that his levy tax the yawl
that his barrel bruise the mast
that his slashes bat the pall

Proof

I have devised an ingenious Proof of the Incompleteness of Man, but unfortunately it will not fit on my Wrist.

The way to Lohalana

You’ll need this map. Take the scenic highway out to Trembling Fern, then turn north on the dotted blue line. They don’t show this road on modern maps, but you can see it in satellite view. Go to the very end; then you’ll get out and take a dozen photos, none of which will be good. Believe me, it happens every time.

(2025-07-08)